wtf why are you reading this shit

She has always been one of my best friends, this girl that is kissing me right now.

Is that wrong? She’s drunk and I don’t love her but this is leading to something we might regret later on. It might make her feel used, it might make me feel guilty. It’ll be awkward. It might ruin a friendship. But you know what they say. God didn’t give men enough blood to use both heads at the same time, and right now that is certainly the case. 

I’m not thinking about the morning after, I’m not thinking about the moment when she wakes up and realizes what she did last night. I’m not thinking about how this is going to affect our friendship, how awkward I’m going to feel next time see her in the halls of our dorm. How we probably won’t hang out as much anymore or have those late night talks anymore about life and our problems and all the things I can’t talk about with anyone else. Not thinking about any of that. 

Just her body and her lips and how they feel so right pressed up against mine.

Not that she’s particularly sexy or hot. I wouldn’t say hot. She’s cute. But I wouldn’t say  hot. Hot is the blonde girl with the huge tits and the short skirt. The girl you wanna fuck. But that’s all you wanna do to her. 

No, this girl, she’s cute, but she doesn’t have that sex appeal. The, I-wanna-bang-you factor. She’s got this innocence to her that other girls don’t have. She’s the kind of girl you’d bring home to mom, the kind of girl you’d marry, but not date or fuck. I guess its the same thing girls say about the nice guy who gets stuck in the friend zone. Ever hear a chick say that to the nice guy? The one that never gets the girl and instead gets stuck listening to the chick bitching about her terrible boyfriend? The one where, if she actually gave him a chance, he’d actually treat her right? “You’re the type of person I’d marry, not date.” 

Well, you know, a guy can only hear that so many times before he gets sick of that. After a while, after so many disappointments, he starts to do what every other guy in the world does, and acts like a jerk. And it works.

When you act like a jerk, the girls love you. I don’t know why. I don’t know why being an asshole and playing mind games works. I don’t know why treating a girl the right way and just giving straightforward honesty doesn’t work. But its the way it is, and I quite frankly will go with what works, because I’m sick of disappointments.

And its the same with girls, too. This girl, she’s not hot, but she’s cute, and she’s nice, and she’s funny, and she’s smart. She has all the good things going for her, everything a guy could ever want, but she can’t for the life of her get a boyfriend. Girls like her, they  eventually get sick of that too. A lot of those good girls, those nice, cute, funny, smart girls, they turn dumb. They go slutty. They turn to sex to get what they think they want. Either that or they turn into feminists who swear off men. Or some other bullshit like that. Girls all end up the same.

And honestly, I hope she doesn’t end up like the rest of them. I don’t want her to turn into a super slut, or one of those jaded girls who don’t believe in love anymore. There’s something about her innocence, the fact that she seems so pure, and then the fact that her mouth is where it is right now, that’s a turn on. And it sort of feels wrong, like I’m soiling her purity by letting her do this to me, like I shouldn’t be doing this, especially with her, but that, in a way, is sort of a turn on too.

And yeah, she’s my best friend and she’s not that sexy and this is wrong and I shouldn’t be doing this with her, but that only makes me want her more, and I think about how bad I want her, how I’m in her, and how I only want to go deeper, deeper, into her, grab her, get our bodies closer, intensify this feeling, and I don’t want anyone else to want to feel like this with her, because she’s my best friend, and we’ve always been there for each other, and I wouldn’t be able to stand it if some other guy was feeling her like this, because they don’t care about her the way I do and they never could and I couldn’t stand it if she ever got hurt.

I want to be like this forever, with her, limbs entangled and breath short, heart racing, not thinking, not thinking about anything but that look on her face and the way she reaches out to kiss me, and the way I want to kiss her, over and over and over, and the feeling is so intense that I go over the edge, and I shudder, and I collapse, and we’re both breathing heavily, and I am looking at her and she is looking at me, and that look in her eyes makes me want to hold her, and kiss her, kiss her face and keep her close to me, and…

Fuck. I love her.

Shit.